Last September, when our Budapest-bound group met for the first time, I realized that although I was being invited because of my skill as an educator, this trip featured a strong Jewish focus on cultural renewal.
I remember feeling a bit odd, cognizant that I was the only non Jewish person going. Why did they want me? How did I fit?
Some background. My father’s mother was possibly Jewish, although we have only circumstantial evidence. Regardless, I certainly wasn’t raised Jewish (Roman Catholic), and by strict definition, that would make my father Jewish, but not me because my mother is Italian (very very Italian).
Still, I have worked for the past 11 years in Jewish education, five years at an Orthodox school, and the rest at de Toledo. Still — renewal of Jewish life in central Europe? How could that be my mission?
I’ve learned that my not being Jewish is not a factor for SOSInternational. Glynis said to me if DT trusted me, they trusted me. But I do wonder, does anyone spend a moment imagining what I’m thinking when the goy is tasked with helping a shteibel or asked to wear a kippa.
My friend Roger says I’m a Jew because I wrestle with Jewish problems. My friend Ari says I’m a Jew because I can articulate the beauty of the Torah. My friend Ron says I understand Mussar better than he does and he introduced it to me.
My Rabbi friend Devin, who calls me the prophet (he sees me dressed in rags, shaking my shepherd’s cane, admonishing the royals for their blindness to what is deep and eternally true), opines that it is a real issue for Jews to decide what do with people who “carry the seed of Israel.”
This is the issue Hungary now wrestles with. This is the issue I wrestle with. And in a metaphoric way, I think we all do.
Since I’ve returned, people have asked me about the experience, and the line I’ve repeated with significance: “I found my inner Hungarian Jew.” Now after a few days of reflection, I think I understand what that means.
I honor the sacred. My ratzon drives me to dream of a world where the human connection to the sacred engenders a new era. If understanding Judaism helps people live within something sacred, then maybe the ephemeral walls of us and them can be seen for the phantoms they are.
In Hungary, the boundaries of the country have shifted with wars. Who is us and who is them? What was once settled by language and then by tribal affiliation and nationalism can evolve toward something more from the soul: a life of courage, creativity and compassion. This is our destiny.
I honor the sacred. The freedom that was stolen by the totalitarians, the dignity that is profaned by lies, the right to learn that is limited by political agendas.
I honor the sacred, the human soul within me that has wept from anxiety and fear that I know is within anyone and everyone whose eyes now sweep upon these very words.
I’m done with walls and borders and all racism. I dream of the new day when we can all find our inner Hungarian Jew.
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